The truth can be seen in your eyes
by Side Step the Shadows
Summary: SLASH RLSB Young marauders days, Sirius is worried about his friend. Remus is confused, confused about himself, confused about Sirius and confused about his feelings for Sirius. Sorry summary sucks my first fanfic
1. Chapter 1

(story done from both Sirius' and Remus' POV, my first fanfic so be nice, but please review. Slash between RL and SB.)  
Disclaimer: characters ain't mine sigh

_For Merlins sake Remus, pull yourself together!_

"Remus, is everything alright mate?" The quill in my hand paused briefly before carrying on a sentence on the roll of parchment beneath,

"Yeah course," The lie came easily, it was times like these I'm almost thankful about how I have to lie to everyone about what happens to me once a month.

"C'mon mate," Sirius sank down into the chair beside Remus, he gave a quick glance aound the library to the few other occupants, and satisfied they were too far away to hear continued, "Moony, I know when your lying, I've had to watch you lie about yourself too much so don't insult me." A small smile escaped my mask, I glanced up at him beside me and quickly looked away my heart had already started to pound due to the fact that Sirius was sitting so close to me that I could feel his breath on my ear when he spoke. I tried to control my body mainly my mouth as it had somehow become very dry without me noticing. Sirius continued,

"Whats wrong? You know you can tell me, these past few days you...well you don't seem yourself." The concern in his voice made my mouth drier still, I swallowed hard before answering,

"I know Sirius, I'm sorry, I just haven't been getting much sleep lately. I guess I'm just stressed out by homework, still haven't caught up from the last full moon." he didn't look convinced, but sighed softly.

"ok, well if you wanna talk anytime, you will come to me ok?" He laid his hand briefly on my arm, sending shivers down my spine, and caused the quill to stop in my hand completly, homework forgotten. His eyes searched for mine, but I avoided them and managed to choke out, "..k.." He gave a small smile, and rose from his chair. As he made his way across the library and through the door, I let out my breath I didn't realise I was holding.

_Pull yourself together its just Sirius, Sirius your best mate, Sirius who has been your friend for years,_ _Sirius whose always there for you. Why am I acting like this? Its stupid, you shouldn't feel like this towards a friend. _

_A MALE friend_ another part of his mind kicked in I groaned softly and laid my forehead on the table in front of me.

"That doesn't sound so good." My head snapped back to look up into the emerald green eyes of Lily, I gave her a small smile and sighed leaning back in my chair. She sank into the chair vacated by Sirius and gave me a long look. "Penny for your thoughts?"

"huh?"

"Sorry, muggle expression...you got something on your mind?" I sighed again and leant forward onto the table not looking her in the eye.  
"Has it got something to do with Sirius?" I felt my breath hitch in my throat and considered lying to her, but finally gave a small nod. "Have you guys had a fight?" I shook my head, "Did he do something wrong?" I shook my head harder, "Did you do something wrong?" I tilted my head thinking, she gave a small laugh, "You know it would be alot easier if you actually spoke." I returned her smile, though it was smaller and shorter than hers.  
"Don't worry about it, whatever happened I'm sure you two will work it out. Just try talking to him." She gave my arm a reassuring squeeze and got up to leave. "Oh, by the way, James was looking for you earlier, said he'd be up in the common room." I thanked her and said I'd be up shortly. I turned back to my roll of parchment as she left and tried to concentrate.

Stir clockwise 7 times_...I wonder if Sirius is up there too..._and anti-clockwise 3 times making the potion_...maybe if I told him how I feel..NO! I can never tell him, he'd kill me, or at best laugh in my face. _Once the potion had turned a nice turquoise-blue_...Merlin, whats WRONG with me!_...Leave to simmer for 3 minutes..._He would never feel the same way about me..._Repeat stirring..._how do I feel about him any way?_ This last thought finally pushed all thoughts on potions away, and also managed to keep my mind silent aswell.

"Here he is! Oi, Remus, over here!" I looked up on my way through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor common room to see my best friends James, Peter and Sirius sitting in their favourite chairs by the fire, James was waving me over. I smiled at James and glanced at Sirius who was gazing at me with a curious expression, _I guess I didn't sound as convincing as I thought I did._ I thought, making my way over to them.

"Hey guys," I joined James on the sofa, naturally drawing up my knees underneath me and leaning comfortably against the arm. "What you up to?" I asked them, avoiding Sirius' gaze.

"Oh not much, was just telling the others bout that game of chess I had with you the other night. My pieces still haven't recovered…" James laughed at his own defeat, Peter giggled along and Sirius gave a weak smile. James glanced between me and Sirius and his eyebrow raised questionably, "Hey you alright Moony? Seem a bit down lately…" I ran a hand tiredly across my eyes covering my annoyed expression, and replied softly,

"Yea Prongs, I'm fine, just exhausted mate." His eyes lingered for a moment then glanced at Sirius, then turned quickly to Peter,

"C'mon Wormtail, lets see if I can beat you at a game of chess." James rose, Peter following closely behind complaining about not being good at chess, their conversation drifted from my concentration as Sirius lowered himself beside me.

"Remus…." My eyes turned to the piece of fabric I was fiddling with on the armrest. "Remus…" he tried again, I lowered my gaze more,

"Moony…" His voice firmer, emphasised by the placement of his hand on my knee. My hand stopped in their movements, my heart flickered at his touch. _Breathe Remus, breathe!_ These thoughts vanished, as did my breath, when Sirius leaned closer, placing his other hand on my shoulder. "Moony please, talk to me."

"About what Sirius?" I thanked my lucky stars that my voice didn't give away the way my heart was pounding in my ears, though I was sure he could hear that anyway.

"Ah, c'mon Remus, something is defiantly bothering you, James could tell, even Peter is starting to notice and that's saying something. Why can't you just tell me?" I opened my mouth to reply but he just cut me off, "And don't try and get out of it with the excuse of being tired, 'cause it's not working, there's something else, something bigger." _Tell him tell him! _

"No,"

"What?" _Oh crap _

"I…er, its…"

"Nothing, I know… c'mon Remus, its just you and me." I didn't think it was possible but my heart started thudding harder, and I grew more aware of his hand still placed on my knee. I gave a quick glance around the common room, noticing that what Sirius had said was true, we were alone. His hand on my knee moved, leaving what felt like a cold hole in my leg, this was instantly forgotten as his fingers cupped my face, turning my gaze to his. His dark eyes were filled with warmth, clearly seen through the long strands of messy dark hair framing his face. We were so close, I could feel his warm breath against my face making my stomach flip and my mouth go dry. His fingers brushed my chin as he withdrew his hand, replacing it back on my knee. I wished for the cold feeling on my leg just to have his hand on my cheek once more. _No, get it together, it's just Sirius, just a friend. Just keep breathing, your just exhausted, hes just… _

"Rem? What is it? You can tell me…" My eyes went to his lips as he whispered these words, as they continued down his throat to his collarbone I had to wretch them away, only to be caught once again by his searching gaze. Those eyes, so deep and thoughtful. He had the outward persona of a confident young man, but doubts could be seen in those depths. My hand rose to the side of his face and brushed away a strand of hair clinging to his lips, _Turn away_ I told myself_ turn away!_ My body refused and leaned closer to him, I slowly searched his eyes, and closed the small gap between us, my eyes flickering shut as my lips brushed his. He drew in a small gasp, but didn't pull away.

(Sirius' POV)

Remus pulled back before I realised what had happened, a look of shock on his face.

"Oh God, I'm... I... sorry... I..." He leapt up from his place beside me, leaving my hands poised. He looked from side to side seeking escape all the while mumbling "I'm sorry... I...I shouldn't have..." I remained motionless on the sofa, lips still tingling from his touch. Remus' hands went to his head, running them through his light brown hair, pulling it slightly at the sides, "God I'm so STUPID!" His hands angrily thrown down by his sides. I looked up to see his eyes shining with unshed tears, "I'm sorry Sirius." at this he sprinted across the common room and up to the dormitory. My eyes followed him but I made no move to stop him. Long after I heard the door shut behind him I sat still trying to work out what had just happened._ He kissed me. Remus kissed me._

I gently licked my lips still tasting him and frown, _he kissed me._ I slowly rose from my seat and followed Remus up to the dormitory. Entering the room I saw James and Peter sprawled on their beds with the remains of a chess game lying between the beds. Remus' curtains were pulled shut around his bed, and I could hear nothing from behind them.

"Remus?" I said gently, "Moony we gotta talk..." still nothing. I sighed and went across to my bed next to Remus', took off my robes and pulled on some pijama trousers and got into bed. I lay facing the closed curtains of Remus' bed, and went over in my mind what had happened in the common room, finally falling into restless sleep.

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Will be back shortly with ch 2, tell me what you think! 


	2. Chapter 2

(Sirius' POV continued)

Light streamed onto my bed and across my face causing me to scrunch up my face against it, letting out a small moan of disapproval.

"C'mon Sirius! I'm hungry." James' voice rang through the last traces of my dreams. I shrank down under the duvet pulling it above my head in a last desperate attempt of escape, only to have the covers snatched away by a still hovering James.

"Padfoot! Get **up** you lazy git." I let out a small growl and croaked out,

"Don't you know to let sleeping dogs lie?" He chuckled softly, and dropped the now cold duvet back onto me.

"Wormtail's just followed Moony down to breakfast seems like he rushed outta here the crack of dawn…" I was awake now, James glanced up at me to try and read my reaction, I casually swept my hair from out of my face and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, "yeah?" my voice thankfully still croaky from sleep and so couldn't give away my real feelings.

"Dunno what's up with him at the moment, I know he's usually quiet, but not this quiet, he seems abit on edge around us aswell. Have you noticed anything?" I turned so I had my back to him so he couldn't see my face under the pretext of changing into my robes.

"S'pose…come on then, let's head down there, I'm starving." I turned and playfully pushed him towards the door, he shoved back before complying.

-

(Remus' POV)

"You gonna eat that?"

"Huh?" Peter pointed at my slice of toast still untouched on my plate,

"Oh sure." He snatched it up off my plate and proceeded to eat it, my mind returned to night before and the sense of panic over what I should do. I went over how I thought the inevitable moment of seeing Sirius was going to be. I continued along this train of thought as Peter continued stuffing his face beside me.

"Remus you should have something to eat, you don't look so good…" He said, between mouthfuls,

"I'm not hungry."

"The rat's right you know," My eyes snapped up to the face of Sirius, "You should eat something, never know what the day will bring." He lowered himself onto the bench opposite me. His eyes never leaving my face, he offered me a piece of toast, I took it mumbling my thanks and looked down while trying to force a mouthful down my throat. He continued looking at me, I kept my gaze lowered trying not to see the anger that would be in his eyes. I finished the bit of toast as fast as my dry mouth would allow, then all but bolted out of the Great Hall, muttering the excuse of "transfiguration homework…" I could feel the eyes of my friends on my back as I left the Hall, I continued down the corridor a while round the first corner, then slumped back against the wall, taking big sobbing gasps of breath. After several minutes my breathing had returned to normal and my heart was thumping considerably less than it was before.

_You knew you were going to see him_ my head drooped forwards, my golden brown hair following suit, falling softly around my face. _Merlin he must hate me,_ I thought, _and for good reason_ another part of my mind scolded. I heard footsteps approaching and quickly began walking towards the common room.

"Remus!" My walk became faster, pretending not to hear Sirius' call.

"Remus please!" I started to jog, all pretending forgotten. Sirius however was always faster than me, and quickly caught up, and stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.

"Just stop, please." I turned slightly towards him, still not meeting his eyes. The silence was heavy, broken only by our slight panting. He removed his hand from my shoulder seeming to just notice that it was still there. My heart dropped at this small action.

"Remus…" he started, I stayed silent. My eyes locked on the base of a statue the other side of the corridor. "Remus… last night…why…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen, I'm really sorry" I gushed out, startling him.

I looked up as he ran both hands through his hair not noticing when it fell back down round his face.

"But why….how…..if that was your way of saying your gay, you could have just told me, not…" his hands motioned wildly. I frowned slightly at his choice of words.

"I mean… that **was** what you were telling me right?" He looked slightly fearful at this, so I comforted him somewhat by saying,

"Yeah, I guess…" He let a sigh and a smile.

"I'm sorry, bout…." It was my turn to gesture wildly. "I'll understand if you don't wanna hang around as much."

"Oh don't be stupid Moony! I'm not gonna drop you for that! I'm glad you told me…..well showed me." A slight blush tinged both our cheeks. After a couple of uncomfortable seconds, Sirius threw an arm around my shoulders and turned me back onto the track to the common room.

"C'mon, I know you were lying bout the fact you hadn't finished that piece of homework but I on the other hand was too worried bout you to do it!"

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so thats ch 2. plz review, will be back soon with chapter 3 and more ahem intimate moments between the two maurauders...  



	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

(Sirius' POV)

Remus was bent low over a piece of parchment trying to decipher the meaning of my scribbled homework later that evening in the common room. After that morning's little talk we hadn't spoken of what happened the night before, and had just gone through a typical school day, and had collapsed in here immediately after dinner.

My eyes crept slightly over the form of my fellow gryffindor, his golden hair falling over his face while he silently went over my homework for me. His lips unconsciously mouthing the words as he read them, my gaze lingered on his lips for a few seconds until I realised he had glanced up at me and saw me staring, I shot him a quick smile, which he returned and bent back over the parchment. I shifted my position in the armchair so one leg was flung over one arm so my head fell back softly onto the other arm, my gaze resting on the light from the fire flickering on the ceiling above me. I continued watching these golden lights thinking how they were the same colour as Remus' hair, when suddenly my vision was blocked by the giant head of James leering over me.

"Hey Padfoot. Wotcha up to?" He moved over and sat at the sofa beside my armchair which from my position was in front of me. I sat up slightly, and replied,

"Not much, Moony's just going over that piece for Binns for me." I nodded towards the young werewolf who was holding his hair back from his face by resting his head on his hands while scanning my work. James' eyes lingered on him while leaning towards me,

"What's up with Moony any way? Did you get a chance to ask him last night?" he glanced briefly at me before returning his curious gaze at Remus, as if his problem could be seen physically.

"Um, not really, he's just tired mate." I said, in what I hoped was a light cheerful tone. His gaze returned to me, complete with the raised eyebrow in disbelief.

"You sure?"

"Yea, asked him myself, he'll be fine with a good nights rest." James seemed to accept it and relaxed back in his seat. Soon he was rambling on about something Lily had said to him at lunch, I let out a soft sigh, I didn't know whether Remus wanted James to know that he was gay, and thought it best to keep it quiet until I got a chance to ask him.

-

(Remus' POV)

As James continued rambling on about something Lily had said I let out the breath I held. Glad that Sirius hadn't told James what had happened the night before. My mind kept sliding away from the parchment in front of me, not helped by Sirius slanted scribbled handwriting, I could feel his eyes on me from across the room, I became conscious of myself, the way I was sitting, leaning over the desk with my head in my hands, framing my face and conveniently hiding my eyes from him.

I crossed out a meaningless sentence, and finished reading the essay, and released my head from my hands and glanced up to see Sirius smile quickly and turn back to say something to James. My heart thudded quietly as I made my way over to them, and sat down beside James.

"Here you go,"

"Thanks Rem, did I make any sense at all?" Sirius said, taking the parchment from me.

"Yea it was fine, you began to waffle a bit at the end, but it should be fine."

"Brill, cheers mate." I settled back against the arm of the sofa, letting my eyes fall onto the crackling fire. I could hear James and Sirius take up a conversation again, but I couldn't bring myself to join them, my head sank down onto the arm of the sofa, still looking at the fire. The flames all blurred into one, making shapes dance and change. On closing my eyes I could still see the colours and feel the gentle warmth.

"Remus…" I kept my eyes closed, searching for sleep again,

"Remus" I recognised Sirius' voice through my foggy mind, my blurred eyes made out the general shape of him crouching in front of me. I slowly sat up, rubbing my eyes.

"Wha' 'ime is it?" I said yawning,

"Late, you fell asleep a couple of hours ago..." I could hear a smile in his voice. I looked through the fringe of my hair at him, still crouching by the sofa, the common room was empty with only the fire and a couple of candles lighting it. I heard Sirius move to sit next to me, I shifted slightly away from him; I could not let what happened repeat itself.

"Seems like you weren't joking when you said you were tired." I gave him a small smile, and melted at his look. One leg was tucked under him with one arm stretched over the back of the sofa, my eyes followed his arm to his fingers that were delicately twisting a quill around ink stained fingers. He saw my gaze and thankfully misread my expression as curiosity,

"I redid that essay while you slept," I raised an eyebrow at this; Sirius redoing work was as likely as it was for him to become best friends with Snape. He saw my look and replied,

"I know, unlikely, but I did. Thought I'd stay with you while you slept, you looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you. Had nothing better to do…" He raised a hand to brush his hair away from his face. My eyes traced its path. When I noticed it paused midair, I glanced up, then quickly away as I saw Sirius gaze piercing my own.

Sirius' POV

A funny look came over Remus, he was looking at my hand, but seeming to see something else entirely. His face held, what? Hurt? Fear? No, sadness, this shocked me, I knew Remus had it tough, but never had I seen it shown in his eyes as much as now.

His gaze was now fixed solidly on the floor, not even blinking, I could see the tension in his body, almost see his pulse in his taunt neck. His body was facing slightly away from me, as if to shield himself.

"Hey…" My soft tone seemed to startle him, his eyes shut briefly.

"Hey," I repeated placing my hand on his shoulder; he turned his head slightly away from me. This hurt; we'd always been close, he had never rejected me like this.

"Remus!"

He froze, I could see the muscle in his jaw working, his fist clenched, but he didn't look at me.

"What is going on, what have I done? Please talk to me, your starting to scare me now."

He opened his mouth to say something then shut it quickly. His long hair fell over his face, my hand went automatically to stroke it back, but before I had even touched him he leapt to his feet and turned towards me backing off slightly eyes fixed somewhere on the floor.

"What..?"

"It's just…I…" He stopped, glanced up at me through hard eyes, filled with so much pain, I got up reaching for him.

"No," He put his hand out and shut his eyes away from me, and slowly turned and made his way up to the dormitory. I thought I heard a small whisper, "I can't."

Remus' POV

_I can't, I can't talk to him, and I can't look at him. It makes it worse, looking at him knowing I'll never have him._

I shut the hangings tight around my bed, and curled on my side on my bed. All I could see was Sirius worried eyes, his questioning glance. I shut my eyes tight, trying to rid my mind of these beautiful images. A small tear trickled across my face, falling lightly onto the covers.


	4. Chapter 4

(Chapter 4)

Sirius' POV

I didn't sleep well that night, my dreams were filled of Remus, nightmares of him turning away from me, never looking at me, and not knowing I was there. Towards morning, my dreams changed to resemble the other night, dreams of his lips against mine.

I awoke feeling confused, annoyed and restless. I looked across at Remus' bed, surprised to see him still there, well his hangings still closed. I slowly got out of bed and dressed, taking my time, waiting for Remus to wake. But half an hour later when he still hadn't appeared I gave up and made my way down into the common room. Few people were there, most enjoying the bright weekend weather outside. I spent the day wandering around the castle, trying to find Remus. It seemed James and Peter had managed to get themselves detention from McGonagall once again so I was for a first alone in my meandering. Towards the afternoon when I still could not find him, I made my way to the Gryffindor common room and settled down in a comfy sofa by a window. I flicked through an old Daily Prophet lying on a table nearby, wasting time. My dreams from the night before plagued my mind, flitting through, never resting on one entirely. Memories of Remus running away from me, the next moment pressed against me. My fingers took my aggression out onto the pages in front of me, people in photos scowling at me as I accidentally ripped them. I turned the last page of the newspaper realising I hadn't read anything, and gave an inaudible sigh.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Remus' shape dart through the portrait hole, I quickly stole after him, and he was hurrying down the corridor when I caught up with him,

"Oi, Moony! Wait up!" He slowed and half turned towards me, not meeting my eye.

"Oh, hi Sirius didn't see you there."

"Yea sure you didn't, I seem to be invisible to you at the moment." I couldn't keep the bitterness from my voice, he shifted his weight uncomfortably.

"I…Sorry, I'm just abit….preoccupied at the moment." he slowly turned back and carried on walking, I fell into step beside him.

"You could try and not take it out on me, you know." He mumbled an apology. I sighed, not wanting to start an argument but also wanting to get to the bottom of it.

"So what's on your mind?" I heard a sharp intake of breath from him like he was holding back words, then, "This, that. I guess I'm still coming to terms with…well you know."

Remus' POV

"So what's on your mind?" _You, no wait can't say that!_

"This, that. I guess I'm still coming to terms with…well you know." We were now walking along the library corridor; I turned into it and made my way to an empty table away from others, Sirius following close behind.

Sirius lowered himself into a chair opposite me as I began to pull books and parchment out of my bag.

"Well erm, while we're on the subject," He began, "When did you know that you were… when you found out you're attracted to guys?" A blush tinged my cheeks slightly; I did not want to discuss this, especially with him.

"I dunno." I mumbled.

"C'mon Moony, I'm just trying to figure this out, help you. You seem, I dunno, almost scared to be gay."

"Of course I'm scared to be gay!" I hissed at him, "I'm a loner by nature, a loner by being a werewolf and now this!" My pent up frustration at myself let loose, taking Sirius by surprise.

I took a moment to calm myself; I've always been able to control myself, losing it once a month taught me quickly the ways of shielding myself with a mask.

"I'll get over it, it's probably just a phase, I'll be fine." I felt I was trying to convince myself more than him. Sirius was looking at me with concern,

"It's not something to be ashamed of…"

"No, buts it's not exactly the best thing for me is it?" He gave a small smile. He knew about all the difficulties in my life, he knew as he was always there beside me. My heart gave a thud when he caught my eye; it felt like he was looking right through me to the quick.

"So how did you know?"

"What do you mean?" I whispered back,

"How did you know you were gay?" His eyes never left mine, it was so hard to concentrate and construct a whole sentence with him looking at me like that, and the question didn't help either.

"I didn't."

"Huh? But you..."

"No, I mean…I didn't really know. I didn't call myself that, you did. I just knew that I felt differently about someone."

"Oh," He looked confused, I was too. I tried to explain it,

"Well, I suppose it started when I began to have these dreams…" His eyes opened slightly, "What sort of dreams?"

"Dreams about… well about a guy." He seemed to think on this for a moment, I continued, "And it was all I could think about, well it is all I can think about." He leant back in his chair regarding me softly.

"When did you start having dreams?"

"Couple of weeks ago."

"And you've only just told me bout it?" I looked down, guiltily. "Jeez, it's not good to keep these things bottled inside." He rocked on his chair backwards, running both hands through his hair. He seemed to think for a moment, and then gently lowered the chair legs back to the floor and leaned forward slightly to ask me,

"What were the dreams like?" Again, sentences formed and died on my lips.

"Um…well, at first they were just normal, bout erm, him, like we were flying together, or in the common room. Normal things. And then…"

"Yea, go on…"

"Well, they became more personal, and erm, physical." I glanced up to see how he would react, and was surprised to see him still listening intently.

"It wasn't just the dreams though, stupid things like a touch on the arm or a glance started to bring different feelings than they used to." I began to grow uncomfortable, with his gaze still on me, and the way the conversation was going, things weren't good.


End file.
